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Source: Clark, Janet A., Gable, Sara, Barakat, Ibtisam. (n.d.). Raising kind children. University of Missouri Extension Printer-friendly version Newsletter back issues Encouraging kindness in children is an important responsibility for all adults who care for children. Kind and caring behavior appears early in life and continues to develop across the lifespan. Examples of caring behavior include:

• sympathetic crying among groups of babies
• a toddler comforting a baby doll
• a toddler sharing blocks with another child
• a preschooler bringing bandages to an injured classmate
• a preschooler hugging and comforting a crying sibling
• school-age children collecting canned goods for a food bank
• an adolescent volunteering to shovel snow for an elderly neighbor
• adolescents speaking out against animal cruelty during a community meeting. You can help children show kindness toward others and experience the positive feelings that grow out of kind and caring behavior.

Even with your busy schedule, you can involve children in acts of kindness. By helping an elderly neighbor, taking a stray dog to a shelter or giving canned goods to a food bank, you can demonstrate your concern for others. You can reinforce kindness by explaining to children why you want them to engage in kind behavior. Research says that children are more likely to comply with adults' wishes when they hear a reasonable and understandable explanation.

"Aunt Jean has been visiting with Grandma all week long at the hospital, so she is really tired. Would you please play quietly so that she can rest and relax?"

To be an effective adult role model, you must match your words with your actions. For example, if you compliment someone's new clothes, but make fun of the way the clothes look when the person is gone, children receive a powerful message. They learn that saying one thing and doing another is acceptable behavior.

Expressing appreciation for kind and thoughtful behavior is another way to set a good example for children. These actions help children to experience the positive feelings of being kind to others. By reinforcing children's kind behavior, you are helping them to understand that their kindness makes a positive difference.

"Corrina, I'm really glad that you shared the blocks with Andy. See how much he likes playing with them!"

" Lamont, your after-school project sounds like a great idea! I'm sure that the nursing home residents will really enjoy hearing you play some songs on the piano."

Children need to know that the adults in their lives care about them and about others. Children who experience respect and appreciation from adults are more likely to demonstrate caring toward others and to recognize the positive impact of their kindness.

Foundations in the early years (birth to age 5)

Trust

The quality of care you give to infants can greatly influence their later development. If babies learn that the adults around them are kind and dependable, they will learn to trust the world and themselves. When you respond sensitively to babies' needs, they feel valued and important. When infants feel loved and valued by those who care for them, the foundation of kindness toward others is being established.

Consistency

If you express consistent expectations of children, they develop predictable views of the world. When guiding young children, be consistent and clear with directions and explanations. If your requests and reasons are inconsistent, children become confused and unsure about what is expected. When you are consistent with your requests and reasons, children feel safe in exploring the world and trying new things. They feel secure that their caregivers will consistently guide and teach them.

Positive guidance

Children learn to care about others when they feel cared for themselves. Young children learn best when they are not frightened or angry. By using guidance based on love and respect, you can help young children become aware of the consequences of their behavior for others.

Research says that harsh physical punishment can hinder the development of positive relationships between children and adults. Reliance on physical discipline weakens children's trust in adults. Physical punishment does not help children learn self-control or understand the connection between unacceptable behavior and discipline. When adults use physical discipline, children feel angry with adults and ashamed of themselves.

Positive guidance blends respect and love for the child with clear messages and understandable reasons. When young children experience consistent and positive guidance, they are more likely to act kindly toward others.

Building bridges between children and others (ages 6 to 12)

Encourage children to think about others

You can help school-age children think about the needs of others and the implications of their behavior for others. Many school-age children are able to see the world through another's eyes. By encouraging this ability, you are helping children to reason and think about interpersonal matters. If a school-age child engages in unkind behavior with another child, explain to her or him why the behavior is unacceptable and how this behavior makes the other child feel.

Create opportunities and express appreciation

During the school years, you can give children more responsibility for being helpful and kind to others. By creating opportunities for children to be helpful and kind, you also can tell them how much you appreciate their helpful behavior and how this behavior affects others.

For example, research says that assigning regular, family-oriented housework to 12- to 14-year-old children is associated with their spontaneous helping behavior. Children of this age who are expected to help set the table, walk the dog or take turns cleaning the family room are more likely to do nice things for others without being told.

Requiring children to do regular chores for a family or for an athletic team creates opportunities for you to express appreciation for their kindness. Few successful groups exist because of the kindness of one person; every person in the group needs to be helpful and to recognize that needs of the group are as important as needs of the individual members. Tell children how much their helpful behavior is appreciated so they can experience the good feelings that result from being kind to others.

Table 1. Developmental milestones of kindness (8 months to 12 years)

Research has documented the development of kind behavior in children. Although there are differences in how and how often children act kindly toward others, almost all children go through a set sequence of developing kind and caring behavior. For example, some children may cry harder than others when a friend's cat is hit by a car, but almost all children will recognize this as a very sad situation.

Practice empathy

Empathy is defined as "the ability to identify oneself mentally with a person or thing and so understand his/her feelings or meaning." You can practice empathic behavior and encourage school-age children to do the same. You can show them how empathy can help solve everyday problems.

Summary

Children are born with the capacity to act kindly toward others. From birth, children's behavior indicates their ability to respond kindly and compassionately. However, adults play an important role in whether or not children continue to act in kind and caring ways. If you are warm and supportive, and set reasonable standards of behavior and consistently enforce them, you are more likely to encourage kind and compassionate behavior in children. And, by encouraging children to be kind, you will find opportunities to talk about the consequences of their behavior for others and to express appreciation for their kindness.

The following suggestions are ways that you can contribute to the development of kind and caring children:

• Set a good example by acting respectfully toward others.
• Communicate the importance of helpfulness and generosity.
• Use consistent rules and reasons for guiding children.
• Talk with children about the feelings of others and the consequences of children's unkind behavior.
• Create opportunities for children to be empathic
• Express appreciation when children behave kindly toward others.

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