Coping With the Loss of a Relationship or Marriage

When Ron and I split up, I didn't know how long it would take to feel like myself again. It was rough during those months when we were arguing. I knew our relationship was in trouble. But I think the hardest part was the day we finally decided that separating was the only way. I packed my things and left.

When a marriage or a long-term relationship ends, many different feelings come to the surface. While each person is unique, often people experience many different stages of loss:

• Realizing the relationship might end (I knew our marriage was in trouble, but I still wanted to work it out.)
• Recognizing that the relationship has to end (Our problems weren't going away.)
• Mourning the end of the relationship (I felt relieved but sad. I missed the way things used to be. It was hard to give up the idea of being with my husband forever.)
• Adjusting to single life (I've made new friends and found ways to improve my life. I'm comfortable with myself now. I'm happy.)

Common experiences after divorce include learning to trust again, laying aside the anger, handling the lack of money, and carrying responsibilities alone.

IIn addition to your emotional reactions to change, watch for physical reactions such as not being able to sleep, headaches, changes in eating habits, or fatigue.

Stages of Mourning

It used to be us, now it's just me.

At the end of an important relationship, you will experience mourning. Most people go through the following mourning stages, but not in the same way or in the same order. Which of these experiences seem familiar to you? How do your feelings differ? Are you taking time to sort out your feelings and to talk with friends, relatives, or a counselor?

Shock and Disorganization

I didn't know what to do about the situation. I wasn't sure how to act. My daily life was turned upside down. The kids, the house, my job, the car, grocery shopping, laundry—all the decisions were mine. I was always late for work and ordering pizza for dinner. I was in a daze.

Denial

• Some people may deny their loss by avoiding change. I would spend time thinking, what if Joanne came back? Maybe it could work this time. I held onto that hope instead of making changes. I avoided looking for a new place to live or making decisions about the settlement. I couldn't even sleep alone in our bed.
• Other people blame themselves. I thought we had a good marriage. We had difficult times, but isn't that part of marriage? If only I had worked harder at the relationship, maybe we still would be together.
• Others may jump into a whole new life to postpone their mourning. I started dating right away. It felt good to be needed and part of a couple again. But it didn't last. I was still too angry and resentful of Tom.

Anger

• My partner took advantage of me. My partner should pay for what has happened.
• Then I got angry. How could she leave me with the children and go off to some new life? I was angry because she seemed to be moving on, and I had all the responsibility. At first, I kept it inside. But I just felt more depressed. Then I decided that I wasn't going to let her ruin my life. I started making changes-now I'm much happier.

If anger isn't expressed, it can become destructive. It may lead to depression, high blood pressure, or other problems. Expressed in healthy ways, anger can prompt people to make positive changes. Be careful not to take your anger out on your children. They need to feel close to you and their other parent. They shouldn't be forced to choose between the two of you.

Loneliness

• I can't make it alone.
• Because my husband doesn't love me anymore, I feel worthless.

Remember that while loneliness can feel like it will never end, there are solutions to ending your loneliness. You can reach out to existing family and friends and get involved in activities to meet new friends. You can pursue these opportunities when you feel ready.

Guilt or Shame

• I felt like people looked at me differently after we split up.
• I was embarrassed to say I was divorced. I felt like a failure.
• I deserve to be punished for the things I have done. My partner will fall apart without me. I'm selfish for leaving.

Guilt and shame are normal responses to the end of a relationship. Knowing that this is normal and acknowledging these feelings may help these feelings to subside.

Evaluation of the Relationship

• I started thinking more clearly about what went wrong. I realized we wanted different things.
• It feels good to have made a decision. Divorce or separation was inevitable.
• Things have finally started to fall into place and make sense.
• At last I can admit my anger. I have finally outgrown the need to get even.
• The divorce opens up all sorts of possibilities.

The end of a relationship may actually allow you to understand what went wrong and to recognize the roles each partner plays in the termination of a former commitment.

Source

Source: Temke, M.W., Walsh, W., Carman, R., & Douglas, E.M. (Ed.). (Updated 2006, May). Loss of a relationship. University of New Hampshire Cooperative Extension. Retrieved February 1, 2008, from http://extension.unh.edu

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