Building Healthy Relationships
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Source: University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire Counseling Services. (n.d.).
Building healthy relationships. Retrieved August 23, 2007, from http://www.uwec.edu
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Healthy relationships allow for individuality, bring out the
best in both people, and invite personal growth.
Getting Close
Developing meaningful relationships is a concern
for everyone. Getting close to others and sharing joys, sorrows,
needs, wants, affections, and excitement is risky business.
What is it that interferes with people getting close to each
other? Often it is one or more of these common fears:
- Fear of Becoming Known as You Really Are: Opening yourself
to others and their reactions is not only difficult, but
it puts a demand on others to open up as well.
- Fear of Pain and Disappointment: Mass media and advertisers
have tried to convince people that they should be 100% happy
24 hours a day. Hurt, pain, disappointment, and loneliness
are not comfortable feelings, but they are human. Without
the risk of experiencing them, one can never experience the
feelings of love and of being loved.
- Fear of Losing Freedom: "Can I risk giving up some
of mine to care about you without you wanting to take it
all away? Can I be both close and separate with you?
- Fear of Being a Taker as
Well as a Giver: It is difficult for many people to receive;
yet if one doesn't, no
one can experience the joy of giving to you.
- Fear of
Judgment: People are reluctant to disclose themselves
because they dread the moral judgment of
their friends, family, religious leader, and the law.
- Fear That Showing Love and Affection is
Not Proper: This is especially true for men, but not restricted
to them. Somehow people have been convinced that
this is a sign of weakness rather than a sign of courage.
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Rewards for Conquering Fears of Getting Close
If you learn to communicate effectively with
others and are willing to risk sharing your own feelings as
well as respect other's feelings, many rewards will await you
as you learn to get close to another person.
- You enter a very special relationship. Getting close means you can need someone else and he or
she can need you. It means when you feel discouraged or upset,
someone is there to comfort and care about you, and you
can
do likewise.
- You acquire faith in yourself, faith in others,
and an ability to be faithful to others. It enables you
to live
fully in the
present and to have meaning and purpose for your own existence.
- You
become more sensitive to yourself, with choices about
how, when, and where you wish to share your feelings. You
know
when you are experiencing love, joy, anger, etc.
The Art of Communication
When people are asked what the most important
ingredients in a relationship are, communication almost always
is on the list. Yet people rarely are taught how to communicate
effectively. Communication with others boils down to either
expressing yourself or responding to someone else. The methods
for doing each are quite different.
Expressing Yourself
When you are stating an opinion, making an
observation, or expressing a feeling, the most appropriate
format to use is called an "I-statement." You may
even be already using them.
I-statements allow you to state things in positive terms; to
express yourself directly and honestly; and to take responsibility
for what you think, feel, and need while avoiding blaming or
accusing others. In contrast, "you-statements" blame
the other person, put him or her on the defensive, and often
cause communication to be blocked. To simplify things, you
can use a kind of "formula" for I-statements:
- "I feel/think/want (express the
feeling/thought/desire)...
- When (state the behavior causing
it)...
- Because (identify the reason)..."
The nice thing about this formula is that you
can decide how much of it you want to use. It can be just the
first one, the first two lines, or all three.
Responding to Others
When other people are expressing themselves,
it is not appropriate to use I-statements when responding.
A more effective technique is called "reflection."
Reflection is saying back, in your own words,
the content and/or feeling of what the other person just said.
Reflection
does not question, challenge, argue, approve, or disapprove.
You can use an even simpler formula for reflection:
- "Sounds like you're feeling/thinking/wanting
(express the emotion, thought, desire you hear)...
- Because
(state the reason you heard for it)..."
Reflection requires you to listen very carefully
to what the other person is actually saying. Yet you do not
have to be right in identifying the emotion or reason you hear
because the speaker will automatically clarify it for you (and
sometimes for him or herself in the process).
What you need
to remember is that when you use reflection, the other person
is going to continue talking about what he
or she is experiencing, so you need to make sure that you
have time to listen.
When you first begin using I-statements and
reflection, it can feel artificial. It doesn't take long
for them to become
automatic. Experiment with them and you may find that your
discussions with other people become much more productive
and satisfying.
Fighting Fairly
A major stumbling block in any relationship
is settling disagreements, which often reduce to emotional
shouting matches rather than caring problem solving. Basic
ground rules for effectively facing conflict in a relationship
include:
- Maintain a spirit of good will. Remember;
you care about this person.
- Avoid attacking one another. Discuss
behavior, not personalities.
- Share your feelings. Explore and
discuss them.
- Focus on the present. Past disappointments cannot
be changed. Concentrate on here and now.
 Specific Techniques
- Choose a time to have the discussion. Make it an appointment. Avoid those times when either of
you are fatigued, ill, or under pressure.
- Be specific. Take time
to reflect on what you are upset about and focus on specific
actions, feelings, and attitudes.
- Listen
carefully. Allow each individual uninterrupted time to
explain his or her viewpoint.
- Work on one issue at
a time. Decide what the uppermost concern is and discuss
it.
- Ask
for reasonable change. Determine what you really want from
the person and then ask yourself if it is realistic and
authentic. Give the person a chance to correct the situation.
- Try to accept. Be open to the other person's feelings and accept them
without being judgmental.
- Be willing to compromise. Avoid trying to
win. Try to find a solution that is satisfying for you both.
- Realize the need to accept an incomplete resolution
of a conflict. At times, completely resolving an issue is
impossible.
- If you have extreme difficulty expressing your
feelings, try writing them down in a note or letter.
- After
the discussion is over, express your appreciation for
the other's listening to and discussing the issue with you.
Reaffirm your respect and affection for each other. Finish
on a positive note.
These strategies can help you establish an atmosphere
of cooperative problem solving. If you feel the relationship
has deteriorated to a point where these methods can't be tried,
you may want to consider a neutral, nonjudgmental third party
to mediate the discussions.
About MINES & Associates
For over 25 years MINES & Associates has
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provides a variety of services to corporate employers including
employee assistance programs (EAP), managed mental healthcare,
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programs, behavioral risk management, disease management, PPO
services, and a number of other technology based services.
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Organizational Psychology and Health Psychology, and currently
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